Young children become particularly attached to their parents of the opposite sex at a certain stage. Freud called this feeling the oei-mother (father) complex.
This phenomenon changes the triangular relationship between parents and children in the family and even affects the relationship between husband and wife.
How to solve this problem smoothly depends on whether the couple has a good alliance relationship, and whether the child can realize the identity with same-sex parents.
Bedroom Story 1970, Shanghai.
At one o ‘clock in the morning, Hong Chen got off the train and hurried home.
He had not seen his wife and lovely son Pangpang for more than six months.
Knocking on the door, his wife came up to him with sleepy eyes, unable to hide her full of joy, and they hugged each other excitedly.
At this moment, Hong Chen heard his son babbling in his dream. He saw his limbs arranged in a big character, lying on the pillow, sleeping soundly.
There was only room for a big bed in the small house. Hong Chen worked in another city, and his wife usually slept with their children in her arms.
Now that her husband was back, she had to put the child to the end of the bed.
Carefully, Hong Chen carried his son to the other end of the bed and tucked him in.
Just before dawn Pangpang was awakened by the sound of voices.
When he opened his eyes in a daze, he was surprised to find that he had slept in a strange place, and that his mother had disappeared with him every day.
As soon as he rolled over and sat up, he saw his mother sleeping on the other side of the bed. “Hey, how did I get to this side of the bed?”
Wondering, Biggie immediately made a new discovery. “Who’s that man lying next to Mom?
Why don’t I know them?
Why is he sleeping in my place?”
Chubby grinned and burst into tears.
At this time, the strange man came to pick up Biggie and kissed his little face. Biggie cried even harder.
Mother also regardless, only in the side of the smile said: “Fat fat, this is dad, quick call!”
Instead of calling Daddy, Biggie peed all over his dad.
Hong Chen thought: “What a welcome gift!”
In 2005, Hong Kong.
Late at night, Hua Ying and her husband Wen Liang are sleeping soundly.
Sleep, she seems to hear the bedroom door on the corridor sound, a while the bathroom spread a burst of water, she knew that this is the son Xiaoqiang midnight to go to the toilet.
Xiao Qiang is 4 years old. He has been sleeping alone in his own room since he was a child. He doesn’t need adult care at night, so Hua Ying is relieved to sleep again.
But the noise did not stop, and then she heard the bedroom door handle groping.
Hua Ying scared out of a cold sweat, hurriedly wake up beside the sleeping husband: “Wake up, someone at the door!”
Wenliang suddenly sat up and shouted: “Who?
Stay back!”
The couple fixed their eyes and saw a small figure standing at the door of the half-opened bedroom. It turned out to be Xiao Qiang!
Hua Ying turned on the light, went to pick up the child and asked him: “Xiao Qiang, what’s wrong?”
Small strong also seems to be just the appearance of parents scared, knock knock Ba Ba ground to say: “Mom, I’m afraid, I want to sleep with you.”
With a sigh of relief, Hua Ying carried the child back to his room and coaxed him for a long time before he fell asleep again.
Xiao Qiang got up in the middle of the night to find his mother’s situation later happened several times, each time was advised to go back to his room, the couple did not care too much.
One morning, Hua Ying got up and opened the bedroom door, only to find Xiao Qiang lying on the carpet at the door in his pajamas, still not awake.
Hua Ying was surprised and shook him awake and asked him: “How can you sleep on the ground, Xiaoqiang?
What did you do during the night?”
Xiao Qiang rubbed his eyes and said, “I don’t know.
I get up to go to the toilet, and then look for my mother, mother won’t let me in, I wait at the door…”
Tears burst out in Hua Ying’s eyes as she saw her son stumbling to the door of his parents’ bedroom. She wanted to go in but was afraid of being rejected, so she sat on the carpet at the door and fell asleep.
The sight was so heart-wrenching that she couldn’t help crying in her arms.
Those of you who are familiar with psychoanalysis may have heard of the Oedipus complex, also known as the Oedipus complex.
It refers to the phenomenon that children between the ages of 3 and 5 tend to attach to opposite-sex parents and compete with same-sex parents.
It is most common for sons to be attached to their mothers to the exclusion of their fathers, and for daughters to be attached to their fathers to the exclusion of their mothers.
Biggie and Xiaoqiang in the above are typical manifestations of oedipal complex.
Oedipal feelings can happen to everyone. They are a necessary part of the psychological development of children. Some people show them more clearly than others.
However, this does not mean that parents should leave the phenomenon to chance.
If mishandled, it could lead to family problems, conflict between children and parents of the opposite sex, and even affect the relationship between husband and wife.
Biggie was not interested in his father, and even hated him, for he had taken away his sleeping quarters, and his mother did not revolve around him as she had before.
In the evening, Pangpang went to bed early and slept in his original place.
When his father tried to put him to sleep at the end of the bed, he would cry so loudly that his parents had to wait until he fell asleep before moving him quietly.
But that didn’t work, and Biggie had a new problem — wetting the bed at night, when he already knew he would wake up to urinate.
When Pangpang wet the bed, his mother had to get up and take care of him, which made the couple very tired.
Children’s oedipal complex causes subtle changes in the triangle relationship between parents and children.
In a family where husband and wife feel good and have a harmonious relationship with each other, parents will discuss and cooperate with each other to solve their children’s problems together.
And when there is some contradiction in the relationship between husband and wife, the problem of children may become the fuse, intensifying the internal contradiction between parents.
What’s more, due to the disharmony of the relationship, one parent will unconsciously form an alliance with the child and unite the child against the other parent.
This kind of family alliance is unhealthy, not only worsening the relationship between husband and wife, but also detrimental to the psychological growth of children.
Since the discovery of Xiaoqiang morning sleep in the bedroom door after the matter, Huaying very sad, feel not before their children’s attention is not enough.
Husband Wenliang in an international trading company, work is very busy, often on business trips, rarely in charge of family matters, more no time to discipline the children.
Alone at home, Hua Ying not only runs the house, but also takes care of the young children. She is very busy every day.
Finally, when her husband came home from work, Hua Ying wanted to talk to him and get close to him, but he was always very impatient. After dinner, he would go to the study to play online games, leaving his wife alone in the living room watching TV.
These few nights, Xiao Qiang always asked his mother to tell him a story when he went to bed, Hua Ying has been to put him to sleep to go back to the room to sleep, sometimes coax coax oneself also tired, fell asleep in Xiao Qiang house.
Wenliang has a lot of opinions about this, sometimes ran to the child’s bedroom to Xiaoqiang said: “Well, son don’t make, mother wants to sleep, you don’t listen to dad angry.”
Xiaoqiang is not willing to, Wenliang shouted at him.
This Hua Ying quit, said to her husband: “See you frighten the child, why so loud.
You will train the children, family matters you care about?
It’s always work, friends, and everything more important than me and the kids!
Is this family still in your heart?”
The couple quarreled…
Later, Xiaoqiang did make dad angry things, always go to mother there “move help”.
When Huaying and her husband became uncomfortable, she often went to sleep in her son’s room on the pretext that the child was not feeling well and needed to be taken care of.
The estrangement between husband and wife deepens.
As a result of Xiao Qiang’s excessive attachment to his mother, he also encountered great difficulties in kindergarten.
The first day to send, he cried with death not stay in the kindergarten, noon refused to eat, so in the afternoon was taken home.
Later a few days, he finally went, but hardly play with other children, old oneself a person sit sullen, after a long period of time, he gradually adapt to the collective life of the kindergarten.
The smooth resolution of children’s affection for their mother (father) depends on the normal development of the relationship between children and their parents.
Attachment to opposite-sex parents often leads to alienation and conflict between children and same-sex parents.
Especially because of the authority of the father in the family, the son’s struggle for the love of the mother and the “aggression” to the father may often be scolded and punished by the father, which will cause the child’s inner fear of male authority.
This fear will persist in his (her) subconscious even after he has grown up, hindering the independent and healthy development of his personality.
If the parents can fully understand and accept the specific psychological needs of the children at this stage, establish a close relationship of mutual trust between the children and the same-sex parents, give up competition and attack, make the children identify with the love of the same-sex parents, so that their mother (father) complex gradually fade, the problem can be solved smoothly.
This process is the process of identification with same-sex parents, and it is also the right way for children’s healthy development and psychological growth.
In this process, parents’ attitude and parenting style are extremely important.
For the sake of children, parents need to pay not only love, but also time and patience.
Pang Pang’s rejection of his father frustrated Hong Chen, and the little fellow seemed to be working against him.
Hong Chen thought that his son had never lived with him since childhood, so no wonder there was no concept of “father”. He had to find a way to let his son accept him.
The couple discussed carefully for a while and made a parent-child action plan.
From the next day, Hong became a househusband, doing all the shopping, cooking and taking care of the children.
During the day, he took his son out to play, and they played games together.
In the evening, he gave Pangpang a bath, told him a story before going to bed, and called his son to urinate in the middle of the night.
Pangpang slowly felt that this father is very fun, with him really happy, also not always pestered his mother, he gradually liked his father.
One month home leave will be over soon, and Dad has to go back to work.
The night before he left, Biggie didn’t know what it meant that Dad was leaving.
The next day at the train station, when Hong picked up his luggage and got on the train, Pangpang suddenly realized what had happened.
He held his father’s hand tightly and would not let go, crying and Shouting not to let him go.
Hong Chen very reluctantly into the carriage.
The wheels slowly turned, Pangpang cried out of breath, he struggled to jump down from his mother’s arms, while chasing the train, while crying: “Dad you don’t go, I want to go to work with you…”
The sight moved everyone on the platform to tears.
When the son establishes a deep relationship with his father and achieves recognition in all aspects, the Oedipus complex will gradually fade away, and the son will imitate his father and complete the growth of the gender role.
Daughters, too, need to identify with their mothers.
That’s the responsibility of being a parent.
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