I often hear complaints like this: My child goes his own way, talking to him is like playing the piano to a cow, and he turns a deaf ear to my advice… In sum, “my child is disobedient”. I believe that all parents have had this experience: you want him to study hard, but he prefers to play games; you want him to go to bed early and get up early, but he sleeps until the sun rises; you want him to do what he says, but he tells lies ; so you begin to be dissatisfied, anxious, even angry, then preached, accused, and even beaten. But you will find that rough tactics do nothing to improve the child’s behavioral problems, other than destroying the parent-child relationship.
According to the investigation and research of psychologists, if family education only makes a fuss on the surface of behavior, it is like a whack-a-mole, which seems to eliminate one problem, but finds that another problem emerges immediately. You thought the child was hopeless. In fact, you overlooked a point, you forgot to see how you did it. Who do you want your child to be? If I ask you: what kind of person do you want your child to be? Maybe at first you will say: as long as he is healthy and happy. But then you can’t help but say: I hope he will be a scholar, a professor, a scientist, a pilot, or even an astronaut… The question is, why do you set these goals for your child? If you dig deeper, you will find that many of these so-called life goals come from ideals that you have never achieved. Parents think that this is for the sake of their children’s future, but subconsciously, they are letting their children fulfill their unfinished ideals for themselves. But we have forgotten how to lead the children to the road that the parents themselves have not traveled, the other shore that they have not reached? For example, a reader said, I am not very demanding of my child, I just want her to pass grade 8, but her child is unwilling to play the piano. Later I asked her have you done all this yourself? Her answer was very cute: because I didn’t do it, so I hope the child can do it well. There are two concepts: one is called unreasonable expectations, which is to impose on children what they can’t do, and let them do it for themselves; the second concept is potential anxiety, just because you have been somewhere I have failed, and I can’t let go of that failure, so I hope that the child will succeed for himself and comfort the failed self. So, if you find that you set a life goal for your child, but find that he can’t achieve it no matter what, you are probably caught in these two concepts.
What do you want your child to do, do you do it yourself?
In addition to allowing children to fulfill unrealistic ideals for themselves, parents also have an extravagant hope, that is, they want their children to surpass themselves in work, rest and behavior. One of my readers said that she wanted a divorce, that her husband was irresponsible for her children, which caused her children to be rebellious and often beat people outside. Although I agree that it is important for a father to accompany his children, I know that this is not the reason for his son’s frequent beatings. The reason why his son beats people outside is because their husband and wife are violent and often beat and scold each other at home. And they teach their children to be polite and polite outside. This is obviously very difficult. Another friend of mine said: My child always talks back and never wants to admit mistakes, which annoys me very much. I asked her: You usually do something wrong, how do you admit it to others? Her answer was: I’ve always been careful and I can’t do anything wrong, so I don’t need to apologize. This is the point of contradiction. Humans make mistakes. If an adult cannot see his own fault after making a mistake, and asks the child to dare to act, then the child’s understanding is: admitting mistakes is shameful, so no matter what I do Whatever, I have to fight for it. Psychologist Li Zixun once said: “There is a receiver for parents’ emotions and behaviors on the top of the child’s head.” Even if parents teach their children how to do and become better in language countless times, as long as the parents do not do these things themselves , their children are basically unable to do so. Because whether it is out of loyalty to the parents or unconsciously imitating, there is only one result, that is, what the parents are doing, he will do what he does. A friend of mine expressed an amazing experience on this point. She said that she always asked her child to go to bed early and get up early, but she often got up while the child fell asleep and got up to follow the drama again. She thought it was no problem. As a result, one day she received a call from the teacher saying that the child fell asleep in class. After investigation, she found that every time the child was watching a drama at night, he would get up to play with toys, and even when they went out to watch a movie, the child simply ran to the I watched two cartoon episodes in the living room. This is the magical parent-child synchronization effect. Writer Mai Jia said that when his son was a teenager, he was reluctant to talk to him for two years. No matter how close he was to his son, his son still regarded him as an enemy. It was not until later that he recalled his growth experience and realized that he had had zero communication with his father for several years, and then he realized that the child completely copied his own growth path. Only then did I let go of my son’s condemnation and judgment. To sum up, it can be explained that the theory and method of a thousand dan are not as good as looking at yourself with a magnifying glass. The easiest way is that when you find a behavioral problem in your child, you can immediately compare yourself and your lover. Do you have the same problem? As said in the book “One Thought”, the reason why you are anxious and anxious when you see your child’s behavior is because you project your own problems on the child, but wait for the child to correct him for you.
Let go of double standards and overcome growth difficulties with our children. We have this experience at work. If the boss is doing nothing or talking on the phone, but whips us with a small whip to work for him, you don’t resist, but The heart will definitely be dissatisfied: why! The same goes back to the family. Parents are the authority of their children. When parents can’t put down their mobile phones, they ask their children to stay away from games. When parents buy and buy every day, they ask their children to be diligent and thrifty. When parents often quarrel, they ask their children to be polite and courteous. When parents are melancholy and negative, they ask their children to be optimistic and cheerful; the children will also have the same question inside: why? I have had such an experience. My son had difficulty writing, so I forced him to copy and write more, and said that diligence can make up for his shortcomings. Later, when I recalled that when I was a child, writing was the same dog chewing mud and holding a pen, I knew that I was making a mistake, that is, using double standards to educate children. It means, “I can’t do it, but you have to do it”, which is the hegemony of the family. So I began to surrender and accept the difference in this part of his abilities. I found out later that while his handwriting was still less polished, his attitude was much less resistant. In addition, the reader who once forced the child to practice Mandarin later let go of the coercion on the child and respected the child’s wishes to let her draw comics, but unexpectedly won a second prize in the district. Letting go is the outcome for your child. Rudolf Steiner said: All education is self-education. The child educates himself in the environment. As a parent, it happens to be the most important part of the child’s environment. Therefore, we should try our best to be a relaxed and positive environment for children, so that children can use this environment to freely control their destiny. A children’s book writer said that if she wanted to watch TV, she would watch TV generously, and told her daughter that while mom is watching TV, you can also do something you like. If she goes out to play, she will generously inform her daughter that she is going to have fun. Even one day she went to eat Mala Tang and came back to tell her daughter that it would be okay to eat some junk food properly, after all, our body has the function of automatic detoxification. As a result, my daughter learned more about self-management in such a transparent and open environment. Her insight is: as a parent, you must be sincere and calm, and don’t use double standards to create confusion for your children. Because there is telepathy between parents and children. They usually don’t listen to what you say, they watch what you do, and even detect what you’re doing behind your back. So, when you find that your child is disobedient, it may be time for you to test yourself for double standards. Instead of scolding your child, ask yourself: Who am I? What have I done myself? Maybe the answer will be obvious. Then as long as you adjust and manage yourself, when you do it up to your own standards, trust me, your child will automatically tune in and get closer to you, even beyond you
